Can a pointless blog about nothing have a mission statement?

A number of years ago, out of complete and utter boredom during a particularly bad spell of insomnia, I began to write away messages on AIM and Gchat angrily and sarcastically shitting on a variety of topics and public figures merely for the sake of killing time.

Over the intervening years, apparently I've collected a bit of a following, likely due to my friends and their friends being just as bored as I was. I remain truly amazed over seemingly how many people read my inane rants about republicanism, christianity and the hilarious/embarrassing things I do with my penis. Even more shocking is how many of them found it necessary to repeatedly annoy me about cataloguing my pointless ramblings in some archived form, where they could all be accessed at once instead of being forced to wait for me to post them one at a time as a status/away message.

Well, I've finally caved to all the pressure and started the blog you see before you consisting of my away messages, with old ones uploaded when I feel too lazy to think up a new one. Happy now, people? In trade, you no longer get to bitch about how I don't update my away messages as often as you like or how I'm not funny or that I'm a dirty jew.

There is no point or purpose to this blog, and likely never will be. I'd like to think, however, that having this will allow me to waste even more of my time instead of doing something productive and worthwhile. That said, if I end up not being able to pay my rent, because I pissed too much of my time away updating this thing, I feel it only fair you assholes come visit me in the gutter and bring me garbage to eat, as it will be all your fault.

Gay Pride has yet to overturn my heterosexuality

Survived yet another Pride weekend with my heterosexuality intact, despite the repeated propositions and solicitations and one guy saying he wanted to work me like a sock puppet, whatever that means.

I've always said one of the more hilarious tragedies in my life is how disproportionately gay men lust after me relative to straight women. If only the thought of engaging sexually with men wasn't so utterly repellent to me, I would have a substantially busier social life and far more itching and burning.

Stupid genetics.

My own, touching tribute to the King of Pop

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One walked on the moon................................................................

....................................and the other choked to death on a 12 year old.

Too soon? Okay, fine, likely too soon, but enough time has passed where I get to make autoerotic asphyxiation jokes about David Carradine.

Either way, though, as such insensitivity appears to mean I'm an asshole, in the spirit of karmic fairness, upon dying in some very public and embarrassing sexual mishap likely involving a baby panda, a clown suit and too much Claritin- I'm allergic to panda fur- I encourage you all to make vicious fun of me, as I won't care, due to being dead.

Tr.im/pMZ6

Also, as an aside here, while it's truly very sad when an incredibly wealthy famous pedophile of privilege dies before his time, you know, I'm over it, especially as it succeeded in sucking the air out of all other news coverage.

You just killed democracy in Iran, MJ. Good job. Tr.im/qd64

Republican affairs, when they happen with bona fide women, leave me uninspired and unfulfilled

I wonder what it says about a political party when yet another of its prominent figures cops to an extramarital affair, but when it's with an actual adult woman and not with a fetus, homeless amputee or dead cat as is traditionally the case, it's viewed as yawn-worthy, and most just shrug and say, 'so?'.

Governor Sanford and Senator Ensign both admitted to having sex with women to whom they were not married within days of one another and I couldn't be more bored by the news.

Let's step it up, Republicans. Someone get caught buggering a pregnant down-syndrome tween dressed in kabuki makeup live on CSPAN and I'll sit up and manage to care.

Based on salacious events of the past I know this just-described scandal is bound to happen sooner or later, and the Republicans won't fail to deliver, so now begins the waiting game.

tr.im/pDsA

Atheists want to shoot you in the face

The notion that we atheist-types want to shoot christians in the face seems a shade hyperbolic; the prevailing attitude of non-believers is slightly more moderated- we merely want to force you all to have gay abortions on our pagan alters constructed of empty birth control boxes and dog-eared copies of the communist manifesto.

We also very much wish to meet more of your daughters, whom, while firmly saving their godly sexual purity for Jesus and/or marriage, are perfectly content cavorting through certain sexual pastures, with aberrant dalliances in, erm, the 'devil's canyon', so to speak.

The fact that many good christian girls engage in such 'non-traditional' practices at rates staggeringly above average numbers for other cohorts in regard to this particular sexual act, and do so because they wish to remain chaste is widely-documented and not something I merely fabricated for the purposes of this post is so stupendously wonderful and karmically just, I am barely able to contain my glee and appreciation over how fair the universe truly is. I will from here on out be referring to that orifice as 'christianity's loophole'.

To return to my original point: considering how much the bible-infused right wingers enjoy shooting abortion doctors and holocaust museum attendees in the face, I do believe those propounding the 'violent, gun-toting atheist' meme may have things a wee bit backward: tr.im/pn2O