I'm old and broken

As soon as my body stops revolting in protest over the situations and activities I force it into, I will come up with something funny and interesting to put here about politics, bible-literalism and how we're all going to die horribly from global warming, because there's plenty of funny things to say about us all dying.

Two days ago I hurt myself skateboarding and last night I was in a mosh pit for two hours, and at one point reopened almost-healed wounds from my extreme mountain biking accident a few weeks back. As I approach 30, it appears I have the sense of personal safety of a 14 year old, while also engaging in many of the same extracurricular activities as middle schoolers.

The great Jesus mystery

This stands as a true example of local news at its finest. It has all the necessary elements of top-notch journalism: pious old people, feces, a ransom note filled with intrigue and mystery, a disappeared Jesus, and the hushed, somber tones of the narrator saying 'wiener poopie' repeatedly without laughing.

The day I can watch this clip and not break into hysterical high-pitched peals of laughter is the day where I've finally grown up and become an adult.

Turns out today is not that day.

Another post in which I sarcastically shit on Evangelical Christianity

Churchgoers more likely to back torture, survey finds

According to a study by Pew, the more frequent one's church attendance, the greater likelihood a person is to be supportive of hooking up a brown person's genitals to a car battery and then teabagging them with liberty and freedom because, after all, it so totally says to in the bible, which, as you know, is Jesus' diary.

If Christianity has taught us anything it's that in order to gain heavenly entrance to be reunited with all of your childhood pets, you need to convert the heathens to your side, by the barrel of a gun.

Tr.im/rhVX

Clowns taking off their pants for charity

A clown college here in San Francisco made a naked charity calendar in which they engage in various clown-inspired activities, like HAUNTING MY DREAMS.

While I'm adamantly pro-nudity and exhibitionism, especially for a good cause, nude clown calendars rank right up there with naked calendars of geriatric amputees and 12 sexy months of nude incontinent burn victims.

I suspect I'm not alone in lacking surprise over the fact that in San Francisco there live clowns that take off their pants on film for money.

Tr.im/ri3h

Reason #813 to never return to Boston and stay in SF forever: getting invited to a furry orgy

While there is nothing appealing whatsoever about watching an emu and platypus double-team an anonymous gal all dolled up like a playful sea otter with the crotch cut out, I do believe I need to go to something like this for the sake of having experienced such a thing. It will also provide endless amount of blogging fodder.

And before you start accusing me of horrible and godless perversion, the plan is to dress as an animal control officer and hand out citations: tr.im/oAzw

(Also: if I preface a link with a post that includes the words 'furry' and 'orgy', perhaps one should use sound judgement as to whether clicking would be appropriate to do in the workplace.)

Wealthy gay radicals, through tyranny, will force me to marry a man against my will

Same-sex ‘marriage’ is a movement driven by wealthy homosexual activists and a liberal elite determined to destroy not only the institution of marriage, but democracy as well.

Curse you, wealthy gay activists. You're trying to undermine my god-approved heterosexual relationships with your gay tyranny. Has the bible taught you nothing, sodomites? If you succeed, I fear I will be forced to...marry a dude?

If the particulars of this argument make no sense to you, it is likely that it's because you're a gay who hates America and freedom. As logic and critical thinking are for abortion-loving communists, this informative PSA full of colorful moving pictures will give better guidance on the issue than a blog post ever could.

White people are awful

Conservative rappers face great challenges in construction of their art as it's near impossible to come up with catchy lyrical phrases that rhyme with 'It's time to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge'; 'I live my life according to the book of Ecclesiastes'; and 'I'm only pro-abortion if the fetus is a gay Mexican Muslim with socialist leanings'.

Straight white men of privilege rapping- a cohort of which I am a part, save the rapping- don't sway my views as much as they make me want to punch republicans in the taint.