America is fat and dumb and loves its guns oh so very much

Americans continue to get fatter, dumber, and the religious ones appear to tiptoe ever closer to tumbling off the mental precipice of sanity. While I have absolutely no empirical evidence of such trends actually occurring, and am likely erroneously conflating various articles I came across on the internet, well, shit, isn't the unspoken mission/point/purpose of blogs to advance wholly unsubstantiated conjecture and pass it off as irrefutable fact? Answer: yes. As such, here are links to articles that prove my point as rock-solid, sun-kissed, god-notarized, congressionally-ratified, rainbow-and-puppy-dog-infused truth.

More than 200 people show up for bring-your-gun-to-church day.

To show their defiance in the face of Muslim Manchurian abortionist sham Kenyan President, B Hussein Obama, coming to take their beloved guns away so that he might force them to renounce christianity and convert them all to gay communists, these faithful parishioners brought their guns to church, as an act of solidarity with jesus, who, in between feeding the hungry and healing the sick, enjoyed shooting animals in the face.

The Montana Pro Life Coalition on Wednesday submitted three proposed constitutional initiatives for the 2010 ballot defining embryos and fetuses as persons with rights, measures that if passed and upheld in courts would effectively ban abortion in Montana.

These people have it all wrong. Life doesn't begin at conception; life begins a few hours prior to conception, at the bar, right around the time of the man's 5th or so mixed drink when he thinks the cross-eyed gal across the room might be smiling at him, but in actuality she merely has a harelip. This man's testicles deserve constitutional protections.

I know by their definition, abortion, even in the case of rape or incest, is forbidden, but I wonder if the Montana Pro Life Coalition members might be willing to make an exception in the event the baby were to be born black, gay, Muslim, or inclined toward fierce advocacy of a woman having dominion over her own body?

Adult obesity rates increased in 23 states and did not decrease in a single state in the past year, according to F as in Fat: How Obesity Policies Are Failing in America 2009, a report released today by the Trust for America's Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF). In addition, the percentage of obese or overweight children is at or above 30 percent in 30 states.

Did you know that many Mississippians can't see their genitalia without the aid of a hand mirror? No, it's true. Roughly 1/3 of them, turns out. There appears to be a inverse correlation between education level and raw intelligence scores and when the last time you were able to spot your junk unassisted. Ironically enough, the obesity rates are highest in areas most severely affected by difficult economic times, which goes to show that you don't really even need money to be an obese monstrosity, existing only to consume and excrete, again and again, for eternity.

Here's a hint for those in the Southern states- the region most affected by out-of-control obesity: if you can buy it at the concession stand at a NASCAR event, it is likely not good for you. Have some arugula. You'll be a Northern, New-York-Times-reading, latte-sipping, gay-agenda-having, liberal atheist elitist in no time.

As I said before: dumber and fatter. Hopefully, though, those who cleave so strongly to guns and bible literalism will become fat enough that even if they can manage to curl their swollen sausage fingers around a trigger, their arms, enlarged to comic proportions, will be unable to aim accurately, thereby providing cover and safety to the sarcastic jews who mock them.