I'm old and broken

As soon as my body stops revolting in protest over the situations and activities I force it into, I will come up with something funny and interesting to put here about politics, bible-literalism and how we're all going to die horribly from global warming, because there's plenty of funny things to say about us all dying.

Two days ago I hurt myself skateboarding and last night I was in a mosh pit for two hours, and at one point reopened almost-healed wounds from my extreme mountain biking accident a few weeks back. As I approach 30, it appears I have the sense of personal safety of a 14 year old, while also engaging in many of the same extracurricular activities as middle schoolers.

The great Jesus mystery

This stands as a true example of local news at its finest. It has all the necessary elements of top-notch journalism: pious old people, feces, a ransom note filled with intrigue and mystery, a disappeared Jesus, and the hushed, somber tones of the narrator saying 'wiener poopie' repeatedly without laughing.

The day I can watch this clip and not break into hysterical high-pitched peals of laughter is the day where I've finally grown up and become an adult.

Turns out today is not that day.

Another post in which I sarcastically shit on Evangelical Christianity

Churchgoers more likely to back torture, survey finds

According to a study by Pew, the more frequent one's church attendance, the greater likelihood a person is to be supportive of hooking up a brown person's genitals to a car battery and then teabagging them with liberty and freedom because, after all, it so totally says to in the bible, which, as you know, is Jesus' diary.

If Christianity has taught us anything it's that in order to gain heavenly entrance to be reunited with all of your childhood pets, you need to convert the heathens to your side, by the barrel of a gun.

Tr.im/rhVX

Clowns taking off their pants for charity

A clown college here in San Francisco made a naked charity calendar in which they engage in various clown-inspired activities, like HAUNTING MY DREAMS.

While I'm adamantly pro-nudity and exhibitionism, especially for a good cause, nude clown calendars rank right up there with naked calendars of geriatric amputees and 12 sexy months of nude incontinent burn victims.

I suspect I'm not alone in lacking surprise over the fact that in San Francisco there live clowns that take off their pants on film for money.

Tr.im/ri3h

Reason #813 to never return to Boston and stay in SF forever: getting invited to a furry orgy

While there is nothing appealing whatsoever about watching an emu and platypus double-team an anonymous gal all dolled up like a playful sea otter with the crotch cut out, I do believe I need to go to something like this for the sake of having experienced such a thing. It will also provide endless amount of blogging fodder.

And before you start accusing me of horrible and godless perversion, the plan is to dress as an animal control officer and hand out citations: tr.im/oAzw

(Also: if I preface a link with a post that includes the words 'furry' and 'orgy', perhaps one should use sound judgement as to whether clicking would be appropriate to do in the workplace.)

Wealthy gay radicals, through tyranny, will force me to marry a man against my will

Same-sex ‘marriage’ is a movement driven by wealthy homosexual activists and a liberal elite determined to destroy not only the institution of marriage, but democracy as well.

Curse you, wealthy gay activists. You're trying to undermine my god-approved heterosexual relationships with your gay tyranny. Has the bible taught you nothing, sodomites? If you succeed, I fear I will be forced to...marry a dude?

If the particulars of this argument make no sense to you, it is likely that it's because you're a gay who hates America and freedom. As logic and critical thinking are for abortion-loving communists, this informative PSA full of colorful moving pictures will give better guidance on the issue than a blog post ever could.

White people are awful

Conservative rappers face great challenges in construction of their art as it's near impossible to come up with catchy lyrical phrases that rhyme with 'It's time to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge'; 'I live my life according to the book of Ecclesiastes'; and 'I'm only pro-abortion if the fetus is a gay Mexican Muslim with socialist leanings'.

Straight white men of privilege rapping- a cohort of which I am a part, save the rapping- don't sway my views as much as they make me want to punch republicans in the taint.

I will eventually think of something funny to say about Palin's resignation

When I can think up a humorous and utterly preposterous reason for why Palin resigned, I promise to post it. Something like her inappropriately touching Mark Sanford's Appalachian trail or a keeping a gay Russian polar bear she was able to see from her front porch as a nanny for her downs baby. It will be like that, except, you know, funny.

Until then, however, enjoy waving the patriotic shit out of your cheaply-made American flags produced by Chinese political prison labor. Let's celebrate the unraveling of one of the most absurd figures in American politics in decades.

Look at this fucking hipster

Hipsterism, as I understand it, is predicated solely upon the concept of irony. As such, this website showcasing the easily mockable hallmarks of the scene- awkward facial hair, anorexia, loudly-colored retro spandex/denim pants so tight as to cut off circulation to the genitals, excessive cocaine use, androgyny, pronounced love affairs with horrible art and even worse music and the pretentious douchebaggery arising from being cooler than you over the aforementioned appreciation, looking like you're in the Strokes- is almost certainly created and maintained by hipsters for hipsters, for the sake of irony, for me to heap piles of endless scorn upon: tr.im/nSoR

Twitter is fucking pointless and you bore me

Twitter is unbearably insipid, not because the concept or tech is such, but out of how it's utilized by its user base.

It's primarily used to share in excruciating detail the banal minutiae that people with boring lives inexplicably deem fit to share. Try as I might, I just can't manage to care about what you're eating for breakfast RIGHT NOW or how you're sad because it's raining and it reminds you of your dead grandmother or how that monster dump just went. Can't do it. Seriously, if these are the things in your life that you consider exciting enough to share with the world I encourage you in the strongest terms I'm capable of to kill yourself as quickly as possible.

For once, though, twitter is serving a useful and noble purpose. If you want to contribute to political change and possible revolution in Iran, and maybe even leave your own little mark on the world, help set uncensored speech and untrammeled truth free: tr.im/oSFG

America is fat and dumb and loves its guns oh so very much

Americans continue to get fatter, dumber, and the religious ones appear to tiptoe ever closer to tumbling off the mental precipice of sanity. While I have absolutely no empirical evidence of such trends actually occurring, and am likely erroneously conflating various articles I came across on the internet, well, shit, isn't the unspoken mission/point/purpose of blogs to advance wholly unsubstantiated conjecture and pass it off as irrefutable fact? Answer: yes. As such, here are links to articles that prove my point as rock-solid, sun-kissed, god-notarized, congressionally-ratified, rainbow-and-puppy-dog-infused truth.

More than 200 people show up for bring-your-gun-to-church day.

To show their defiance in the face of Muslim Manchurian abortionist sham Kenyan President, B Hussein Obama, coming to take their beloved guns away so that he might force them to renounce christianity and convert them all to gay communists, these faithful parishioners brought their guns to church, as an act of solidarity with jesus, who, in between feeding the hungry and healing the sick, enjoyed shooting animals in the face.

The Montana Pro Life Coalition on Wednesday submitted three proposed constitutional initiatives for the 2010 ballot defining embryos and fetuses as persons with rights, measures that if passed and upheld in courts would effectively ban abortion in Montana.

These people have it all wrong. Life doesn't begin at conception; life begins a few hours prior to conception, at the bar, right around the time of the man's 5th or so mixed drink when he thinks the cross-eyed gal across the room might be smiling at him, but in actuality she merely has a harelip. This man's testicles deserve constitutional protections.

I know by their definition, abortion, even in the case of rape or incest, is forbidden, but I wonder if the Montana Pro Life Coalition members might be willing to make an exception in the event the baby were to be born black, gay, Muslim, or inclined toward fierce advocacy of a woman having dominion over her own body?

Adult obesity rates increased in 23 states and did not decrease in a single state in the past year, according to F as in Fat: How Obesity Policies Are Failing in America 2009, a report released today by the Trust for America's Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF). In addition, the percentage of obese or overweight children is at or above 30 percent in 30 states.

Did you know that many Mississippians can't see their genitalia without the aid of a hand mirror? No, it's true. Roughly 1/3 of them, turns out. There appears to be a inverse correlation between education level and raw intelligence scores and when the last time you were able to spot your junk unassisted. Ironically enough, the obesity rates are highest in areas most severely affected by difficult economic times, which goes to show that you don't really even need money to be an obese monstrosity, existing only to consume and excrete, again and again, for eternity.

Here's a hint for those in the Southern states- the region most affected by out-of-control obesity: if you can buy it at the concession stand at a NASCAR event, it is likely not good for you. Have some arugula. You'll be a Northern, New-York-Times-reading, latte-sipping, gay-agenda-having, liberal atheist elitist in no time.

As I said before: dumber and fatter. Hopefully, though, those who cleave so strongly to guns and bible literalism will become fat enough that even if they can manage to curl their swollen sausage fingers around a trigger, their arms, enlarged to comic proportions, will be unable to aim accurately, thereby providing cover and safety to the sarcastic jews who mock them.